Thankful

I am thankful for the gift of family. To hold these people who know me so well and to know that their hugs hold generations of love...for this I am grateful. 

I am thankful for the gift of friends. To find kindred spirits amongst all the multitudes out there and to know that they understand me, love me, and choose my friendship too....for this I am grateful. 

I am thankful for the gift of memory. To be able to hold onto those fragments and wisps and to piece them together into the stories that are our lives....for this I am grateful. 

I am thankful for so much even as I am missing so much. I can't be ungrateful even in the face of an empty chair -- how dare I? 

A big group of us serving dinner at the Ronald McDonald House in honor of Sammy's birthday

First snowfall....

Just Not Okay

Dear Sammy,

Today you would be over the moon. Double-digits. I can't even imagine how proud you would be to join your big brother in the double-digit-club and leave your little sibs behind in the single-digits. Yes, I imagine that you would continue to want to be cool like David.

Because, Sammy, that's all I get to do now. I can imagine how you would act, I can imagine how you would feel, I can imagine what you would do. My imagination is big and powerful but honestly, it's just not enough and it's just not okay.

It's just not okay that you're not here to have a big party (would we?) or bug me for a French horn (would you?) or tell me how many different kinds of cake I have to make for you (might you?). It's just not okay that we're celebrating your birthday with cake and dinner at the Ronald McDonald House. Not because that's not a great way to celebrate your birthday. But it's just not okay that you're not here with us. It's just not okay that I'm not adding 10 minutes to your bedtime (so wait, how late can you stay up?) and it's just not okay that I'm not bringing cake up to your clinic appointment (would you have one? or would there just be a "normal" birthday checkup at the pediatrician?). It's not okay that we picked out gifts and we had no idea what you really would have wanted so we got two things that Yael and Solly thought were things you "might have liked" for us to donate in your honor.

It's just not okay that we're not taking a birthday picture. It's just not okay that there will never be another new picture of you ever ever ever again. How can that be? It's just not okay.

It's
just
not
okay.

And that might be the world's biggest understatement.

Love,
Mommy

2nd birthday: Best Shot Monday
3rd birthday: Birthday marathon
4th birthday: This is your birthday song
5th birthday: Five is a big number
6th birthday: Six is Awesome
7th birthday: Lucky Number Seven and Birthday Boy
8th birthday: Little Things
9th birthday: Birthdate

seven

six -- yes that is a tarantula

five -- and Solly is in utero

four

three

two

one

the beginning

Two ways to honor Sam's birthday: a donation to the St Baldrick's Foundation, funding research that will bring more birthdays for more kids or help our friend Emma Rose to create Movie Night Gift Bags for kids in the HOT unit.