Testing It Out

I've got a little tweak in my shoulder.
Just a little pain.
Sometimes when I move my arm one way or another, sometimes in particular poses in yoga. Sometimes when I pick up Solly or whatever...

It comes and goes.

Today at yoga class, I was thinking a lot about this shoulder, and testing it out.
I would push it a little, feel the pain. Then I'd back off. Sometimes something that I thought would hurt actually didn't. And sometimes it hurt when I didn't expect it. It was the focus of my practice today, and it made for an odd feeling.

This is what it is like living right now.

There is a terrible pain (far more than a "tweak," let me tell you) and I keep testing it out.
I push at it. I look at pictures of Sam, or I tell myself a Sam-story. A few minutes of quiet may go by inside me and so I check it out, I test the pain. I poke at the wound a little, checking out what hurts and what doesn't. And then I back off. And sometimes, without warning, it hurts when I'm not expecting. The pain flares in a different or new way that I'd not yet tested out.

It comes and goes. I'm not completely debilitated by this pain. I move through the vinyasa, I push into downward dog, and I am aware of the feeling, the sensation of hurt, but it doesn't stop me. I move through each moment, I talk and think about Sam and I am so very aware of the sadness and pain and hurt...but it doesn't stop me from living and being and breathing. Sometimes, in yoga, I stopped and sat in child's pose, resting from constantly focusing on this small pain. Sometimes, in life, I stop and cry or breathe or stare off into space, refocusing myself as I miss Sam with every breath.

He's always there....

Classic Sam face, 2011

So many pictures that were "throwaways" are now so precious and holy. So glad I never threw any away...Fall, 2011

Sam's birthday, 2010