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Monday, March 10, 2014

Blurry

I went to a yoga class the other day.
And everything just felt....wrong.

I was feeling cranky beforehand.
I was feeling unbalanced.

And then nothing went quite right.
I forgot my headband.
I forgot my water bottle.
I even forgot my mat!

My muscles felt stiff and tight.
Tears flowed.
My shoulder ached.
I was achy and cranky and sweaty and grumpy and crabby and....

I tried. I really did. I closed my eyes. I breathed slowly and deeply. I sank a little deeper into each pose. I just couldn't get it to feel right. I couldn't get my footing set. I couldn't quiet my mind.

A balance pose...one side and I finally felt it....a little sense of calm started to find its way in.
And then, bam. The second side and I couldn't make it work again. That sense of calm was lost. By the time we settled into savasana, the final resting pose, I was restless and frustrated. I couldn't wait to get out of there. 

Some days are just like that. 

I'm feeling off-kilter. It's totally reasonable, obviously.
I'm feeling a little bit blurry.
I'm busy and yet nothing seems to get done.
Sometimes not even yoga can help me out of it.
Sometimes the time slips away...wasn't I just doing something else? 
I still flit from thought to thought...sometimes I can put a few coherent ideas together.
Sometimes things seem fuzzy.

And then I fold laundry, read "Goodnight Construction Site," listen to Bar Mitzvah students and make smoothies and cheese toasts. Good days....bad days....push through the vinyasa....

Sometimes it's just the tears that make things blurry...
12/09 Even the blurry outtake pictures....I'm so glad I kept them.

7/25/12 There was a clearer shot taken after this one...
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11 comments:

  1. BatyaMarch 10, 2014 at 10:48 PM

    It's your new reality, and it will never be a comfortable one. Sorry

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  2. UnknownMarch 11, 2014 at 7:24 AM

    This reminds me to dedicate my next yoga practice to you, especially for the days when your own practice is blurry and unbalanced.

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  3. TRRMarch 11, 2014 at 7:31 AM

    So, so hard. You are a trooper. Sending love and hugs.

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  4. MarjorieMarch 11, 2014 at 7:49 AM

    I can only imagine how physical the sensation of loss is -- how you feel it in your entire body. I send you virtual hugs and wishes for cleansing breaths and balance. xoxo

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  5. rochelMarch 11, 2014 at 9:38 AM

    you are taking the right path with so much courage. sending much love and warmth.

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  6. JenniferMarch 11, 2014 at 12:06 PM

    Still here. Still reading. Thinking of you daily.

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  7. MIGUELMarch 11, 2014 at 1:00 PM

    I don't know much about yoga, but it doesn't seem to me that blurs are a negative. Motion, motion, makes a blur, and even tears are little lenses. Thank you for letting us see Sam through your eyes.

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  8. Seth&Julia'sBubbeMarch 11, 2014 at 1:52 PM

    Another Bubbe you do not know who has been following your journey. I sometimes feel our bodies, hearts and souls can grasp more easily the idea we deal w loss, pain and sorrow in manageable doses. Yet it is just as scary, challenging and perhaps less documented feeling joy, clarity and peace returning to the here and now. Grief is called work. But clarity and peace should be as well.

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  9. ilene raynesMarch 11, 2014 at 5:38 PM

    Even though I do not know you, I think of you every day! (I knew Michael a long time ago through youth group). Remember that you are in so many people's thoughts and prayers.

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  10. mscharrenbergMarch 11, 2014 at 6:10 PM

    I'm so sorry. Your words, your feelings are so much like my daughter's. Tomorrow it will be a month since her (our) precious 6 year old, Jennifer, was stolen away from us by the monster that is childhood cancer. Today was a very blurry day for me. I guess that all any of us can do -- especially you parents have been robbed of so much -- is to put one foot in front of the other and keep walking for daylight. My love to you, JLK's grandmother, Mary.

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  11. Grandma JoanMarch 11, 2014 at 11:47 PM

    Dear Rabbi Phyllis,
    So often when I can't sleep because the neuropathy in my feet is bugging me, or I'm nervous about my new chemo,as I am about tomorrow, I look to see og Judi has shared another episode of your blog about Sammie, now your struggles about dealing with your memories of Sammie, and as the tears for you role down my cheek (usually my right cheek because of hoe I tilt my head in bed) your words sooth and comfort me, and I am able to attempt sleep again.
    I know thank goodness that you will always be able to remember every detail of Sammie for ever and ever because that's what we moms do.
    And what a beautiful mom you are.
    Goodnight Rabbi Phyllis.

    ReplyDelete