Bare

Today was the first day I was alone with my shaved head.

By alone, I mean without my amazing colleagues around me. It helped, for example, when we went to breakfast two days after the shave, to be at the table with four other shavees (three of them female). It helped that we were on a post-convention high, and it helped that our waiter was a stand-up comic who followed the directions on one rabbi's button: "ask me why I'm bald." When he did, we told him the story...and it helped that I could say Sam's name in the presence of those who knew him. He was phenomenal, by the way, and even offered half of his tip back to us as a donation. (Make sure you patronize Eggy's and say hi to Kolin for us.)

Me and Kolin at Eggy's

By alone, I mean that for the last four days, I was surrounded by so many people who knew my story. I was surrounded by people who held my hand and didn't even have to ask before they gave my stubbly noggin a kiss.

Some of my favorite bald rabbis (thanks to Julie Pelc Adler for the picture)

So today was the first day I was alone.
I took Solly and Yael to Costco.
Bareheaded. (Well, inside. It's still very cold here!)

I got a few odd looks.
A few that felt like sympathy.
A few that felt like empathy.
I felt exposed and a little raw.

But no one asked me about my shaved head.
And for today that felt okay.

Then I left the kids at home and ran to the grocery store.
All by myself.

I left my warm hat on in the store.
I felt exposed even with my hat on my head.
I felt a little like I was venturing out into the world for the first time.

I've heard that amputees often feel "phantom pain" in their missing limb.
I'm feeling "phantom hair" as I move my head around.

It mirrors the "phantom child" feeling I have.
The sense that I should divide things into four portions.
The sudden worry that I'm coming up one short.

At the convention, we laughed and we cried, we joked and we teased.
Now that I'm home, reality feels so big.

People keep asking me what Sammy would have thought of all of this.
I so dearly wish I could ask him.

One year ago today

P.S. You can still donate to our St. Baldricks campaign through the end of 2014.