All By Himself

My mind feels so foggy. I search it for memories, for stories, for reminders and glimpses of Sammy and the life we had.

Every so often I get a flash of inspired memory.

When I walked into the Soref Center at camp, I had a sudden reminder of a trip that Sammy and I took together. I think he was 3 or 4 years old, and I took him to camp for one night (it must have been a NFTY event). Just the two of us. It was so rare that he ever went anywhere without Yael, he was relatively mystified. I remember how excited he was to go to camp, and how much he chatted in the car for the whole two-hour drive.

But here's why this particular building held the memory for me:

Sam and I walked into our room, the first (and probably only) time he'd ever stayed in that building. There were two beds in the room, and he pointed to one: "That's mine," he said. Then he pointed to the other bed: "That's for David. And we'll put Yael's pack-and-play over there."

I giggled. "No," I remember saying to him. "Remember? It's just you and me. David and Yael are home with Daddy. That bed is yours and this bed is mine."

I recall his bewildered expression and I also recall that it only took a few minutes for him to quickly get used to the idea of being without his siblings for the night. Sam was almost never "by himself" without Yael or David and later Solly. For the most part, he liked it that way.

In the hospital, the nurses and care partners would say the same thing each time they exited Sam's room: "Can I get you anything?"

Sam would often answer, "Yes. My family."

Tonight I spent 20 minutes in the car with Solly and Yael. For most of the drive, we talked about Sammy. Solly said things like, "he's almost better. When he's better he will come home and we will jump on David to wake him up together." We talked about how much we all miss him.

I wiped my tears. I wanted to change the subject, but I also wanted to continue talking about him, feeling him in our midst.

Then Solly asked for "light-up-dragon earrings" when he "gets bigger."

Spell broken.
I'm sure Sammy would have appreciated Solly's transition too.

from June 2007 - Sammy with Yael

All by himself in the backseat headed up to the hospital for a checkup

One year ago today...April 13, 2013