Friday, October 31, 2014


In our family November has always been birthday month. First there is my birthday, then there is...and that is where I stop. There is a gap now.

Just last year David, Sam and I all celebrated our birthdays in the same month together for the last time. First me, then Sam turned 8, then David turned 12. For eight incredible years the Sommer boys relished the month of November and all the potential it held for each of us as we celebrated our birthdays.

Now as November begins, I continue aging (backwards) this weekend, David becomes a Bar Mitzvah in two weeks...and Sam...Sam stays eternally 8. There is a gap that shouldn't be there. There is a birthday missing. Sam is missing. I feel the loss of all that could have been. I am missing all the possible futures that ended when Sam died. I feel the gap in the birthdays that will always be there as November 8th comes and goes without our growing boy there to open presents, blow out the candles (9+1) and laugh his joyous laugh.

I don't hate birthdays now.
I just hate that I can't celebrate Sammy's birthday with him here.

first birthday
2nd birthday
3rd birthday
4th birthday
5th birthday
6th birthday
7th birthday -- in remission
8th birthday -- last year
Dad and Sam on Sammy's 7th birthday


  1. My son (14), loves donuts. Almost every time we go to the grocery store he asks for one, and every time I say no. He gets plenty I think. His dad is the indulgent sugary cereal- donuts sort, and I'm the organic milk- minimally processed food kind of parent, so he's fine. I started reading about your family last December, and I've noticed Donuts for Birthdays more than once. I borrowed your idea last year, surprising him with donuts for breakfast, one for each year. He was sleepy but thrilled. I want you to know your family has inspired me in more ways than birthday celebration ideas, and more importantly, Sam will never be forgotten.

    Sending loving thoughts across the US to all the Sommer boys (and girls).

  2. missing all the possible futures…except the one that I carry with Sam in my heart, best gift I ever got

  3. you wrote straight from the heart. we are here with hugs, the pics of sammy are so sweet.