Just last year David, Sam and I all celebrated our birthdays in the same month together for the last time. First me, then Sam turned 8, then David turned 12. For eight incredible years the Sommer boys relished the month of November and all the potential it held for each of us as we celebrated our birthdays.
Now as November begins, I continue aging (backwards) this weekend, David becomes a Bar Mitzvah in two weeks...and Sam...Sam stays eternally 8. There is a gap that shouldn't be there. There is a birthday missing. Sam is missing. I feel the loss of all that could have been. I am missing all the possible futures that ended when Sam died. I feel the gap in the birthdays that will always be there as November 8th comes and goes without our growing boy there to open presents, blow out the candles (9+1) and laugh his joyous laugh.
I don't hate birthdays now.
I just hate that I can't celebrate Sammy's birthday with him here.
|7th birthday -- in remission|
|8th birthday -- last year|
|Dad and Sam on Sammy's 7th birthday|