Thursday, January 15, 2015


I realized this week that January is a pretty quiet month for our family. No major holidays, no birthdays, and usually a lot of cold weather. I went back through my pictures to look for previous Januarys. (You can tell that January is a quiet month because one year I only took 22 pictures in the whole month! One January, I took a lot of pictures of lunch boxes. So you know it was an exciting month, right?) We really don't even have any "cancer milestones" in January because Sam was never in treatment in this month. He never had leukemia in a January.

We spend a lot of time in our jammies in January.
January 2006
We spend a lot of time just hanging around the house in January.

It's in these quiet, ordinary, everyday moments that I find that I miss Sam the most. When I look around the house with that soft sigh of contentment that it's warm and cozy, that we're all together, that everyone is happy ensconced in toys or books or games...and the electric shock of realization that he just isn't there jolts me out of that moment. I look around at the other kids and I wonder....what would Sam be doing right now? Would he be reading a book? Playing a game? Wearing his pajamas?
January 2008
Holidays and birthdays and milestone days are big and bright and oh so hard.

But the regular days, the everydays, the day-to-days....these are even harder. The doctor's appointments and dentist appointments and play rehearsal schedules and soccer clinics and birthday party invitations and what's for dinner and where are we going this weekend....these are the times when it hits me over and over again that I'm moving around a lot of pieces and a lot of parts and a lot of people...and yet I'm still coming up one short. Each and every time.

January is a quiet month.
It's in the quiet that I miss him the most.

(Pardon all the pictures. I couldn't choose just one January.)
January 2008 - once a "throwaway" picture....
January 2009 - hanging up family pictures
January 2010 - looking at bugs at the museum
January 2010 - oh how he loved the butterflies
January 2011 -- oh, that face
January 2011 -- loving on his baby bro
January 2011 -- pile o' kids
January 2012 -- um, what!?
January 2013 -- my forever four
January 2013 - what kind of mom does this!?


  1. sam is just so cute in those big red slippers. I am happy you have such sweet pics. of your kids, and I am sure the heart hurts, but sam was your special gift from g-d. you can see his excitement, and his gentelness. may the memories be sweet, and you should have good family times together. sending much warmth and love, shabbat shalom.

  2. "What kind of mom does this?" The best!

  3. Sammy's is the still small voice that told Elijah of the presence of God

  4. So many perfect Januaries... and yet, so few as well. Just happened to turn up my husband's Superman Sam cartoon (from June 2012) when I was searching for something else on my blog and thought of you guys...