Year

Dear Sammy,

It's been a year.
A whole year since we last held you. A whole year since we heard your voice and your laugh.

The other day, Solly came into my room in the middle of the night. Something in the quality of his voice, I truly thought it was you when he asked me a question...I wish I could hear your voice just once more. I wish I'd asked you to make more videos for me.

A year has gone by, Sammy, and we've done so much to help the whole world remember you. So many of our friends and colleagues shaved their heads and each one of them did it because YOU inspired them. We've raised a lot of money for research, and we're definitely not done yet. I know that you would have been an amazing speaker and presenter at all of these events and for all of these organizations. I can only imagine how it would have felt to have been your entourage, bringing you, the featured speaker, up to the stage each time. I'm sure there are lots of kids who like mustaches, googly eyes, frogs and turtles, but I also know that there are lots of people who now think primarily of you, Sammy, when they see any one or combination of those things. You wanted to be famous, and I can think of a million-billion ways I would have rather helped to make it happen.

A year has gone by, and we have done "the first time without you" for so many things. Each milestone, each day that has passed on the calendar, each day moving farther and farther away from you and your physical presence in our lives. I don't think we'll ever get used to missing you, but I think that we're figuring out how to live each day without you here with us physically.

A year has gone by, and each and every day your siblings remind me of you so very much. I see children your size and I think about where you would be, what you would be doing. I hear of the accomplishments of your friends and I often turn to share that information with you....but you're not there to see the pictures. When Yael lost a tooth the other day, I couldn't help but think of how you would have reacted to the whole thing. Would you have helped her to continue to believe in the Tooth Fairy? Would you have burst her bubble? I'm not so sure!

We're leaving for Israel soon, Sammy, on the trip that inspired your request to go there last November. For so many years, we've talked about this Israel trip, about taking our whole family together. I even discussed it with Dr. M when we headed toward transplant...do you think that Sammy will be able to go to Israel next December, I asked him. It seemed so far in the future, and now we are here. It's not the trip that I imagined it would be, because you won't be there with us, but I am so incredibly grateful that we were able to have our "first family trip" to Israel with YOU last year. I know the trip was difficult and not what you hoped it would be. But for the now, for today, I am glad that I can say to your siblings and to ourselves, "remember when we were here with Sammy?"

On what would have been your 9th birthday, we served dinner at the Ronald McDonald House, a meal that you probably wouldn't have even eaten (chili! baked potatoes!), and on this day, the last day you breathed, we will do some of your favorite things. We're going to watch How To Train Your Dragon 2, and we're going to eat your favorite Indian curry for lunch. We don't need one specific day to remember you, but this day feels heavier, harder, sadder than all the rest. We'll hold hands and we'll snuggle on the couch with popcorn, and we'll all miss you together. We'll go to your grave, not because I think that you are there more than here (or anywhere), but because I think it might help us all to be in that place....

It's been a year and I can't quite wrap my brain around 365 days without you.
It's been a year and until you died I'd never spent more than 10 days apart from you.
It's been a year and I can't understand how we're going to do this all over again for years and years.
It's been a year and I wish you were here.

Oh, Sammy. It's never the same without you.
I miss you and love you every day.

Love,
Mom

P.S. I ordered a new shower curtain today and I made sure it was flowered.

since Sammy died....