Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Four

I just can't shake the feeling that there just aren't enough kids.

I cut things into four portions.
I think of things in fours.
I look in the backseat and there's a seat empty.

Four....it was such a nice, complete number.

Three feels so...off. Wrong?

Sam wondered if we would have another baby...to replace him.
Even if we had a hundred more babies...they couldn't replace him.
Even if we had fifty kids, we'd still always be one short.

And that's just how it's always going to be...
A void
A gap
A space
A hole in our lives.
And I'm learning that I don't want to fill the hole.
I don't want to cover it up, or move away from it.
I know I just have to carefully work around it, live with it, notice it, sometimes climb inside it.

Four is a beautiful number.

The first picture I ever got of the Fearsome Foursome
February, 2011
September, 2011
Purim, 2013 (Solly refused to wear his Scarecrow costume, but you get the idea)
The last picture that I ever took of the four of them...December 4, 2013

11 comments:

  1. Thinking of you and your four beautiful children this morning.

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  2. Always the beautiful four. They are all still there is different ways,

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  3. oh my gosh, the group purim costume!!

    thinking of your fam with love.

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  4. Dear Phyllis, You don't know me, but I just wanted you to know what a profound impact this blog has had on me. Every time I read it, I hold my little one a little tighter and count my blessings. I thought you would want to know that I have registered as a bone marrow donor and am encouraging everyone I know to do the same. You are an amazing family and I think of you often. - Katie from New York

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  5. the pics are so cute. sending warmth and feelings.

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  6. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You (and your four) make us all stronger.

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  7. So well expressed. Beautiful and true. Nothing and no one, can ever replace Sammy.

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  8. William Wordsworth wrote in the 1798:

    "How many are you then" said I,
    "If they two are in heaven?"
    Quick was the little maid's reply
    "Oh, Master, we are seven."

    "But they are dead. Those two are dead!
    Their spirits are in heaven!"
    'Twas throwing words away; for still
    The little maid would have her will,
    And said, "Nay, we are seven."

    And so they are four.

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  9. What can I say?
    Beautiful, sad post

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