Crystal Clear

Some days stand out, crystal-clear, in my mind.

Like this one, three years ago:

We went to the park. It was a newish park, and new-to-us. It was a beautiful, slightly chilly spring day, as you can see by the hoodies and jackets. It was Passover, and I remember bringing a whole box of matzah crackers as a snack. I think it was Spring Break.

Why do I remember this one day?

Nothing particularly special happened. My kids frolicked, literally frolicked, in the spring weather. They bounced and climbed and ran and slid and swung.

Let me be clear -- we go to the park all the time. But I can practically feel the cold metal bars of the bench under my bottom and the sun on my face as I think about this day, three years ago, a day that was really unremarkable.

And it's unfathomable to me that Sam probably already had leukemia in his body. 

Some days stand out, crystal-clear. I keep rolling this clear memory over in my mind, savoring it, loving it, remembering it for what it was -- one of my last perfect days, when cancer didn't hang over us, when danger was never on the horizon, when I lived in a bubble that I never, in my wildest nightmares, believed could be burst in the way that it was.

(Just 42 days after this one, he announced that he felt pain in his arms, and 65 days later....the diagnosis.)

I keep rolling this clear memory through my mind, feeling the chilly bench, breathing the cool spring air, remembering the shouts of glee, the eager games, the sliding bodies and running feet...and wishing that we could just go back, just for a few moments, to that place of perfection....I wish I had so many more of these clear memories, these perfect days. I wish I had taken even more pictures, I wish I had written down more stories, I wish I had documented every minute, every second, every breath and every heartbeat....

481 days since I last kissed his little head.

Two years ago today

Sammy's NP, Molly, is walking her own scary path and she's raising money for the Leukemia-Lymphoma Society. Read her thoughts on our Sammy here and we've given her one of Sammy's drawings to sell in a t-shirt, so you can buy an all-new, original Sam Sommer t-shirt here. This is a lady who knows the value and benefit of research dollars, let me tell you.