Tuesday, April 28, 2015

500 days

We talk about Sam every day.
He's on my mind just as much as my living children.

We're growing caterpillars and waiting for them to turn into butterflies. The last time I did this was with Sam. He loved this project. Truthfully, I loved it too. I admitted last night that I think we're growing caterpillars because I wanted to. I'm glad that Solly and Yael are playing along with me.

I still can't believe that he's just not here.

Even though I know it, sometimes it hits me so hard, like a punch in the gut.

Five hundred days seems like such a very very very long time.

One year, four months, and 8 days.

12,000 hours.

720,000 minutes.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm living every minute. I watch the hands of the clock tick around and I wonder how I'm going to make it to the next one.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm living every hour. Will the next one ever roll around again? Will I ever be ready to take on another hour?

And sometimes it's day by day. It's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning and fall back into it in the night.

And sometimes they slip by...quickly, without noticing. Sometimes I look up and hours have passed, days have flown by, and we're weeks ahead of where I thought we were.

Time feels fluid, uncertain, mixed up.

We were in the car, driving carpool. The girls in the back were discussing when something happened. "It was in 2013," Yael said, "I know because Sam was alive and in the hospital."

Solly is currently obsessed with "the future." When can we go there, he asks. How long will it take to get there? Can we go there now? I answer as best as I can, knowing that my answers are silly. I barely understand the passage of time these days...how do I explain the marching forward of the global clock with this bright little four year old?

Time's such a funny thing, isn't it? Each day they get a little older, a little bit bigger....and a little bit farther away from Sammy. Each day I get a little older, too. Sometimes it feels like the years ahead of me stretch on ...and yet I also feel, so very deeply, the blessing of their growing bodies and souls, their explorations and ideas, their laughter and their hopes and dreams....

Time keeps marching on....500 days without Sam seems eternally long. And yet, it feels like it was just yesterday that I kissed him goodbye.

Day by day....

About a year ago: Boxes
About 2 years ago: What we Know (when it really really began to get scary)
About 6 years ago: My Big Brother Dressed Me
About 7 years ago: Spring Came and Went
About 8 years ago: Like Big Brother

When Sam was 500 days old.... (March 23, 2007 -- can you believe I had pictures from that exact date?)

500 days before he died (August 1, 2012, of course I had pictures)

Okay, this one's from August 2 -- but I love it.


  1. I was talking about Sammy with my Hebrew school class yesterday. I think of him often - and of you.

    I love the photos with the turtle on his head!

  2. It feels like such an affront for them to be getting "further away" as time goes forward.

    I love your day-counting, that you know everything down to the day. I don't know these things. I'm "ahead of you," so I guess we already had our 500 days. 500 days. It sounds so big. And yet… so many more stretch out before us.

    A big hug from one mom to another. Wish we could have something different in common, huh? </3

  3. Sam is faithfully changing us into butterflies; this blog is the chrysalis