Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Sixty

Sometimes I think it's all just a bad dream.

Really.

I wake up in the morning and wonder if it's really true.
Is Sam really gone? It's so hard to believe, to hold onto, to comprehend...he's just not coming back.
I'm trying to wrap my brain around the idea that I will never again take a photograph with his face amongst the others.
I will really and truly never kiss his little head again or argue over the merits of one kind of macaroni and cheese versus another.
He will never again weigh in on a movie or read another book.
He won't make snarky comments to his doctors and nurses or find another bug in the backyard.

And sometimes I almost feel as though his whole life was a fleeting dream.
Was he really here?
It was so brief, so short.
He didn't do so many things.
He never even went to second grade...it's like he just wasn't there.
So much of life, just....unlived.
Maybe I was just dreaming his life...how do I hold onto it and remember it and pin it down into something tangible....

Sixty days have gone by.
I don't feel much more settled or stable than I did 30 days ago.
It seems like it was just yesterday...and it feels like forever.
Sam at about 60 days old
Another one - about 60 days old
60 days before he died, reading an optical illusion book that made him throw up.
We did a lot of reading 60 days before he died. Hey, that book he is reading, you can buy it! Proceeds go to the Go Bo Foundation, in memory of our friend Bo and supporting the work of the MACC Fund.

11 comments:

  1. Beautiful boy. You and your whole family are in our prayers.

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  2. He left such a large impact on so many during that fleeting life! I think of Sam daily.

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  3. Thank you for continuing to share, praying for you....

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  4. I don't know how to help you. G-d willing you'll find your way.

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  5. Thank you so much for Sharing your wonderful son with us all. My heart aches for you every time i read your posts. Sam was a very bright, and beautiful young man that will always be a shining star in your world. Lots of love you and your family. Prayers <3

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  6. 60, 60 plus 1, the dream is real, Sam's life fills each day.

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  7. I also think of Sam daily, and I only knew him through his presence here. But he affected me even with that little exposure to him. Sam's life motivated me to join Be the Match, and though I may never be called on to donate for someone, the possibility exists. I know next to losing Sam that is nothing, and it does nothing for you, but it's all I've got.

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  8. I want you to know your words matter. I am struck every time you reference the empty seat, the missing person at the table, the fact that you should be moving about as a family of six. You should! Now, during the good times, I joke with my older children yearning to break free, "No no! We're a family! We move together as a pod!" They laugh. And when I thought I was losing my son to another type of illness, I felt miserably incomplete and mad at the happy family photos that seemed to mock me. My son is okay. But I want to shout at the unfairness for you! Sam is real, as evidenced by Solly talking about him in presence tense, his belongings found in nooks and crannies, notes jotted down on the calendar, and the fact he and your family have positively affected people you haven't even met. He was so beautiful even in treatment. Who would have known... in 60 days? In eight years? I wouldn't be settled either. Thinking of you and your family, wishing to ease the pain.

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  9. This post has been included in the  Ki Tisa Havel Havelim, Losing Count edition.  Please visit, comment and share, thanks.

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  10. I can so much identify with that feeling of feeling that maybe his life was a fleeting dream.When the misrad haPnim (interior ministry) took Ricki's name off my teudat zehut I hit the ceiling! I wanted acknowledgement that she HAD existed (later they put her back on, with the notation "deceased")

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