Taking Pictures

In the last 66 days, I have avoided taking pictures of the three kids.

I've taken a lot of pictures (not quite as many as usual, perhaps) -- pictures of Solly, or Solly and Yael, or Yael and David, or David and Yael...okay, you get the idea. Many configurations.

But no pictures where I intentionally put David, Yael and Solomon together and said, "smile for mama's camera." Until Sunday.

I wasn't sure how it would feel...it's not the first time I've taken a picture of these three without Sammy.

April, 2013

May, 2013 - visiting at the hospital

December, 2013 - at Disney World

And it's not the first time I've taken pictures of only three kids, obviously. Once upon a time, Solly was just a twinkle in our eyes....and we had three kids then.

December, 2008 - check out the pacifiers!

May, 2009

April, 2010 - on the Zoo Train in Milwaukee

But it was the first time since he died....and I know there will be so many more pictures. I'm not going to stop taking photos, of course. I can't. I wouldn't. I won't. It's not me.

But a tiny part of me wants to....and yet I know that's not the answer. I have to keep taking pictures, I have to keep letting life go on....

Those new pictures will always look a little empty to me, though.

Sammy is survived by his siblings, David, Yael, and Solomon.

Does it help if I do this...?

 Just a little. It really does.