I've been sad and tired and worn out.
And yet I've put on my big girl shoes and stood up tall.
Sometimes that's just what you've gotta do, right?
I've thought so much this week about the things that Sammy will never do.
The things that we will never do with him.
The ways that we will remember him.
And the ways that we will not.
Our incredibly strong and kind friend Emma Rose (and her family) served a dinner on the HOT Unit last Friday night, in Sammy's memory.
This was the fundraising campaign that I set up for his birthday, in honor of that incredible milestone. Things seemed so hopeful at that moment. We had donuts for breakfast, we planned parties and cakes and celebrations...thinking back to his birthday, it seems like an entire lifetime ago.
Emma did a wonderful job of creating something meaningful and beautiful in memory of our sassy Sam. I'm glad that people said his name and remembered him. I'm glad that a really good thing was done, a really good thing that brought smiles and laughter and happiness...I'm glad that Sam's name can be associated with things that bring joy.
Tomorrow...Saturday...would have been Day +180 for Sammy's bone marrow transplant.
One hundred and eighty days since Sam met his new marrow.
It seemed like a day filled with light and hope, with excitement for the future and for all the potential that it held.
I wanted so badly to celebrate these milestones with him.
Imagine what we could have done with 180 days...
I wake up each morning and wonder what we would be doing today.
Would we be going to clinic?
Would we be negotiating about meds and IV lines and would we be worrying about the flu season?
Would Solly's cough that is keeping me up at night be a ticket for him to sleep at someone else's house?
Which old movies would we have introduced to Sam?
Which favorite books would we have read?
Would I be busily convincing the four of them to choose a foursome costume for Purim?
As I braid my challah with its forever-six strands and prepare for this Shabbat, I wonder what we would have done to celebrate 180 days. Fundraising? A party? A quiet little celebration with carrot cake? A visit to deliver gifts to the Ronald McDonald House? A snowy walk in the woods? Baking cookies?
Instead...we remember him.
Will I ever stop thinking about what would have been....?