150

The numbers feel ridiculous.
One hundred and fifty days since he died.
One hundred and fifty days.
It's such a very long time.
And then again....it's like nothing.

I heard an interview on the radio this week with a singer, Sam Baker, who had experienced a horrible trauma, a bombing that nearly killed him. He was in a train compartment with a family who had a young boy with them. In the interview, he explained that they had talked "for a second" in the compartment just before the bomb went off, killing the child and his family and severely injuring Sam Baker. Sixteen years later he wrote a song about the boy:

How long
How long ago
Sixteen years
Everyday
Of course I know
Of course I know
Forget his face
Of course I don’t
Etched like a crystal vase

Sam Baker (yes, I notice that his name is Sam) talked to this boy FOR A SECOND before he died and the boy is forever etched in his heart....I held my Sammy for so many many many seconds. So many. His etching is so deep, so very very deep.

Sam Baker again:
some things don't heal
I can't wake up from a dream
when the dream is real

150 days is not 16 years. But I know that someday it will be....the days stretch before me, and I know they will be filled with real life...with buying new shoes and making lunches and kissing knee-scrapes and spraying water on hot days....and they will be filled with love. Even as they are also filled with an enormous and gaping empty space. So the days stretch before me....and I miss him...we all miss him.

Where we were a year ago today....

150 days old - April 7, 2006

April 7, 2006 - 150 days old (with David)