I wonder if on that last night as I kissed Sammy goodnight and he said "David, Dad's kisses on a bald head are the best. You should try it sometime," if I had known that was his last coherent moment would I have kept him up all night and talked and held him until morning light?
If I had known what December would bring would I have spent months snatching his iPad away more and telling him we had to dance and laugh and scream as if there were no tomorrows?
If I know what I know now would I have yelled less when he had trouble taking his myriad of pills and spit one up in the sink, knowing that no amount of pills would be enough to keep him alive?
If I knew what I knew now would I have fought harder for parallel holistic and naturopathic means of helping him fight his leukemia or researched each night until dawn until I uncovered the secret cure for all children for all times?
If I knew the transplant was going to work but not work would we have just stayed on outpatient chemo as long as we could, living strong in the moment and run through every day as if it were our last?
If we had looked up and known the truth for a moment would he and I have written more stories together and sang more silly songs?
Would we have demanded everyone in the family to put their iPads down and look up, look each other in the eye and acknowledge that this was one of the last precious moments we had to look out and see ten familiar eyes looking back at each other in awe as a loving family?
Would I have yelled less and hugged more, and would he have been happier and felt that life was fair sometimes because there was more laughter and less toddler frustrations?
If I lived backwards would I be able to change any one thing that might have made all the difference in the world?
I feel as if I am living my life backwards, looking back over eight short years, and touching certain moments that I wish were lived differently and wish I could change with just the gentle touch of my mind.
In case you are reading this in an email, and you missed the video link yesterday, please click here to see it.