Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Class Lists

The class lists came out.

Preschool orientation happened.

Visiting the rooms that Sam inhabited. Seeing the teachers.

His classmates, grown taller and sturdier over the summer. Their sweet tanned faces filled with the anticipation and expectation of a new year.

And Sam's not there.

We're all moving forward into the newness of the new.

And he's frozen forever...with us but not with us. There but not there.

New teachers who didn't know him.
New people to meet who never knew that my children once had one more living brother.
New faces to explore and see the recognition in their eyes when they realize who we are.

Third grade.
He was supposed to be starting third grade this year.

Time rolls on, without him.
Time rolls on, and we roll along with it, acknowledging milestones, moving forward, continuing to live our lives.

This week began a huge series of historical milestones in Sam's life. A year ago, we had an epic trip to Disney and shortly afterwards began the BMT process. Each day, I was completely and totally aware of the date and the number of that day. I watched as my other kids started school. The high holy days were just around the corner. Each moment was a progression, an event, an experience. Each moment was documented and recorded, because that's how we do things. His BMT "birthday" is coming up, and I really had imagined a huge blow-out pool-party-carnival-extravaganza to celebrate.

But that's not what we have.
And so I try to hold back the tears, and sometimes they fall anyway.
First day of First Grade (and fifth grade for David)
First grade...
Kindergarten (we might have a family tradition of checking out your locker size)

Kindergarten and fourth grades

First day of Kindergarten


  1. the amputated limb you'll always feel

  2. I wish there was some kind of medicine to help the hurt, pain and tears. thank you for continuing to share, and I hope the writting helps ease the pain a little. I was looking at the pics of sam and each time I see him and your other children, I just break into a smile. so sweet all of them. may you be able to continue to do what you have to, despite the pain.

  3. Sammy is on my list, always. He's still real.