Sunday, November 8, 2015

Just Not Okay

Dear Sammy,

Today you would be over the moon. Double-digits. I can't even imagine how proud you would be to join your big brother in the double-digit-club and leave your little sibs behind in the single-digits. Yes, I imagine that you would continue to want to be cool like David.

Because, Sammy, that's all I get to do now. I can imagine how you would act, I can imagine how you would feel, I can imagine what you would do. My imagination is big and powerful but honestly, it's just not enough and it's just not okay.

It's just not okay that you're not here to have a big party (would we?) or bug me for a French horn (would you?) or tell me how many different kinds of cake I have to make for you (might you?). It's just not okay that we're celebrating your birthday with cake and dinner at the Ronald McDonald House. Not because that's not a great way to celebrate your birthday. But it's just not okay that you're not here with us. It's just not okay that I'm not adding 10 minutes to your bedtime (so wait, how late can you stay up?) and it's just not okay that I'm not bringing cake up to your clinic appointment (would you have one? or would there just be a "normal" birthday checkup at the pediatrician?). It's not okay that we picked out gifts and we had no idea what you really would have wanted so we got two things that Yael and Solly thought were things you "might have liked" for us to donate in your honor.

It's just not okay that we're not taking a birthday picture. It's just not okay that there will never be another new picture of you ever ever ever again. How can that be? It's just not okay.


And that might be the world's biggest understatement.


2nd birthday: Best Shot Monday
3rd birthday: Birthday marathon
4th birthday: This is your birthday song
5th birthday: Five is a big number
6th birthday: Six is Awesome
7th birthday: Lucky Number Seven and Birthday Boy
8th birthday: Little Things
9th birthday: Birthdate

six -- yes that is a tarantula
five -- and Solly is in utero

the beginning

Two ways to honor Sam's birthday: a donation to the St Baldrick's Foundation, funding research that will bring more birthdays for more kids or help our friend Emma Rose to create Movie Night Gift Bags for kids in the HOT unit.


  1. An understatement indeed. Your family is so awesome in its tireless effort to educate people about pediatric cancer and to serve others while honoring Sam. Hugs and prayers to you.

  2. Sending hugs and deep understanding of how much of an understatement that all is- not alright.

  3. It is NOT okay. Ben's last birthday went to a donation in Sammy's name. This year he will make another donation. We would much rather have him here. Much rather help him to celebrate his big day. Understatement indeed. So much love to all of you -- The Kerches

  4. I appreciated being able to honor Sam's birthday in this way. Popcorn on its way to Emma for Movie Night Gift Bags for kids in the HOT unit.

  5. I am so grateful to you, Sammy! Every day starts another year when I can try to become more Sammy in my own life; an 8 on its side means infinity.