Monday, December 14, 2015

Still Here After 730 Days

I'm not over it.
I'm not through it.
It hasn't gotten any better.
It hasn't gotten any easier.

I'm not used to it.

You think you can "get used to anything."

After all, the hospital became our "new normal."

But this? Not used to it.

There is always always always something missing.

I've gotten better at working around it.
I carefully skirt the conversations.
I've practiced smiling.
I open my mouth and the words come out, the words I've so carefully put together.
It's not an act, exactly. I'm not pretending or faking in a conscious way.
I'm just....working around it.

But it's always always always there.


The missing piece, the missing link, the missing....

Would he be taller? Would his teeth need braces? What size shoes would I be buying for him right now? How many chapters would he negotiate to read each night? How late would he want to stay up? Would he be very excited about the new Star Wars movie? Would he be trying out for the school play?

730 days later and we're just left here to wonder. We're still here. And he's not.

I can still feel his body in my arms. If I close my eyes and breathe very carefully, I remember what it was like to kiss his head. I can hear his voice, his laugh....

Oh, Sammy. We miss you so much.

Three is not the same as four.
Three plus a turtle (on Solly's shirt) 
Last night, fireworks lit up the sky in Sammy's honor, thanks to Rabbi Steve, who made a promise to Sam. It was pouring rain....the whole world was crying with us. 
On the 8th night of Chanukah, we also lit this Yahrzeit candle. 


  1. Oh Phyllis. What is there to say? I'm so sorry. I wish you had your baby back in your arms. Sending you and your entire family so much love.

  2. Superman Sam's journey and death never ceases to be heart-breaking.

    A mother's broken heart remains just that, even as her sad and hurting family members need their anguished mother to be fully present. It is nothing less than G-d's grace and mercy that allows mother and her family to keep moving forward in the midst of such agony. May your faith remain strong and your memories of your beloved Sam remain vivid.

    With healing love from a Bellows family cousin living in AZ who has followed your blog.

  3. Forever a broken heart. Trying to figure out if and how we can be happy again. If you figure it out please let me know.

  4. Forever a broken heart. Trying to figure out if and how we can be happy again. If you figure it out please let me know.

  5. I'm so sorry. Much love to you all.

  6. your children are beautiful. much love and warmth.

  7. We will always miss Sammy. You will never forget him and miss him most of all. Our hearts are broken for you. Much love.

  8. Thank you for sharing your heart. Sending you a hug.

  9. This post has been included in the latest Shiloh Musings: Blog Round-Up, HH of Sorts. Please take a look and share, thanks.

  10. Sam still lighting lights in my life, what will I become?

  11. No, you will never ever get "over" it. The hole will always be there. You just learn to live with the hole. I am three years after Rina's death and still that dark hole opens up on me at the most unexpected moments.