The first week of 2013.
wheeled down the hall for a bone marrow aspirate to confirm what the doctors were pretty sure that they already knew...relapse.
another bone marrow aspirate confirmed, yet again, what our doctors were pretty sure that they knew.
And on December 14th, our incredibly well-loved Sammy took his last breath.
It just seems so unfair and horrible, so crazy and unbelievable, so inconceivable...
From the fullness of hope in January through the twists and turns of the summer and to the ultimate depths of December...
The year 2013 was a roller coaster. Ups and downs and all arounds.
Stop the world, I want to get off...
In 2013, we lived each minute, each moment. We never took a single bit for granted.
How could we?
I will never ever ever understand.
And yet, I will always be proud of this year. Of the work we did all year long, of everything we did for Sam and for all our children. I will always be proud of the way that we kept Sam healthy and happy, of how we made each day possible and how we never let up in our belief that we would get through this. We flushed those darn lines and we ran that darn micafungen and we washed our hands and we kept him out of the hospital all summer long, through multiple rounds of chemotherapy and bone marrow aspirates and tests and worry and fear…we uprooted our family to live at the Ronald McDonald House and we went to art therapy and music therapy and family dinners…our kids went to camp and school and the library...we went to the museum and the zoo and yoga and pottery, we watched movies and we played games, we played outside and we spent time with friends…we sucked the marrow out of each day, even as his marrow continued to fail him. But we did not fail him. Our doctors did not fail him. We did everything humanly possible from our end and I will always believe that our doctors did the same from their side, to the very best of their medical knowledge. And we still did not get what we wanted.
And I will never ever ever understand.
...So we face 2014...our first year without Sam.
I am paralyzed when I think of all that he will miss. I am overwhelmed and breathless when I imagine the future and he's just not there. Yet I know that we will awaken each day, and we will move forward, even if it feels like we're slogging through a thick fog, even if it feels like we're just moving for the sake of moving, even if it feels like we're faking every moment...we will keep going.
2014, here we come. Be gentle on us, please.
|New Years' Eve - December 31, 2008