Monday, April 28, 2014


Today I had to fill out a form.
It had space for up to four "dependents."

I used to be so proud that I filled up all of those boxes.

Today I filled out a form.
And I only filled three of the four boxes.

It should be so simple to write their names, their birthdates...
There's such a gap.
Such an enormous empty space contained inside the four lines of that little tiny box.

Missing information.

But it's not missing to the recipient of the form. They'll never know that he should have been there. They won't even know that I used to be able to fill out all four of those damn boxes.

But I will always know.


  1. Phyllis, no doubt it's those "little things" that can really set you off.
    I hope the sharing helps...

  2. <3.

    I love these pictures. I hate that you have to leave that box blank. Hate it.

    I had a somewhat similar experience today. For total people in household. I almost took a picture of my sad pitiful number "3" written there. Off kilter, like a car missing one of its wheels.

  3. The box may be empty, but Sam still fills every corner of our lives.

  4. I hate cancer.
    I love you.
    I also love Miguel - whose comments make me tear up and smile both pretty much every time.

  5. Those pictures are great! They will always be your four. Thank you for writing, as always.

  6. You can always claim four. How could it be any different? I would have been tempted to leave Sam's box untouched, skipping to the next and filling in all the boxes anyway! The recipient could have asked why you did that, or not, but you would know what it meant. And we will always know.

  7. It has taken me a long time to write a comment, I am always worried that I will say the wrong thing. I hope I can properly convey my thoughts without offending....or sounding crazy since I am a complete stranger. It is an odd thing about a blog, those of us that read it feel we know you or have a connection to you in someway. However you, as the writer, have no idea some of us exist. It is a very lopsided relationship and you do all the giving, so I wanted to convey what your blog means to me and hopefully return to you the some of what I derive from your blog.
    I am not sure how I came across your blog, but I check it almost everyday for updates. I do not have a child that has passed away and so can only imagine the depth of your grief...honestly no, I cannot even imagine how difficult it must be to have lost a child. Lost seems so inadequate, like you have misplaced Sam. Although I cannot relate to the loss of a child, I have had some losses in my life in the past year, and I am finding it difficult to cope with my own feelings of grief. I find peace and solace in your writing and validation that it is ok to feel the way I do. I want you to know that I think your family is brave and wonderful. I think you are brave and selfless to share your grief with the world and to help other people cope.
    I hope your family continues to heal and you find as much peace as your heart will hold. Thank you.