Thursday, September 11, 2014


It could have gone differently.

Imagine a life for Sammy in which he was restricted, constantly, from everything.
Imagine telling him, day after day, no, Sam. No, you can't do that.
Imagine his brittle body causing him pain each day.
Imagine him waking up one day to have the doctors tell him, you have a new kind of cancer, caused by the treatment that saved your life, and he says, I wish you had never saved my life.
Imagine the depression, the anger, the constant emotional pain.
Imagine opening those wounds again and again.
Imagine never leaving Cancerland EVER.
Imagine his unhappiness, every day, his anger and his frustration, his distrust of everyone, his belief in the goodness of the world shattered by his daily discomfort.
Imagine the despair overtaking him, filling his life, and leading him down a path of self-destruction.

Imagine his siblings, living in the betwixt and between with him, always skipping parties and playdates, worried that something would happen to their brother if they picked up a germ.
Imagine their lives in constant limbo, wondering who will pick them up and who will put them to bed and who will feed them dinner and where will Sam fit in.
Imagine the uncertainty, the unknowing, the worry, the wonder, the pain.
Imagine the feeling of being shuttled aside, Sammy always at the forefront of our concern.

Imagine the different nightmare our lives could have been.

Would I trade this way for that one?
Who can ever answer these questions?
Who can ever know?

I just know how very very very much I miss him.

A year ago today, Dr M stepped into the Nerf-Battle fray...
Two years ago today Sam had a central line repair....oh, the things you remember.


  1. ohhhh i love that puddle picture. perfection.

    thinking of you today and every day. really.

  2. What I cannot imagine is what I would be without Sam in my life, now and forever.