Tuesday, September 30, 2014

You'll Live

"You'll live."

I say it all the time.

We're pretty laid back parents. At least we used to be.
A bump on the head?
Here's a kiss.
An owie?
Here's a ninja turtle bandaid. All better.
Stubbed your toe?
You'll live.

And then along came Cancer.
Bumps on heads were major.
Owies? Beyond major.
Toe stubbing? Could be life-threatening.

You'll live.

The words catch in my throat now.

I want to bite them back, I want to pull them out of the air where they hang, in big purple bubble letters, waiting for a child to respond....what if I don't?

You'll live.

Am I the same parent who walked into the Emergency Room on June 9, 2012? No, I am most certainly not. That bump on Solly's leg that I noticed in the bath the other day? I'm sure he just banged into the playground equipment. I'm sure of that. I keep telling myself that I'm sure. 

And yet that bump keeps me up at night...tumor?

I want so desperately to give my kids a world of safety and security, in which bumps are just bumps. So I run my fingers gently over the bump, waiting for it to go away...counting the minutes until it does or until I feel not-quite-so-crazy taking my kid to the doctor to have him tell me that it's just a bruise. A bump. Or maybe by the time I've made the appointment it will have faded into nothing. Does this hurt? I ask....

Sammy was so brave.
You want to know why he was brave? Because we told him over and over again that he was. We tried not to lie. I never said "It's going to be fine."

But I'm sure I said, "you'll live."

And that was a lie.
May 2008

February 2008

December 2009 -- he LOVED to lick the bowl. Raw eggs? You'll live.


  1. Yes, I can understand that nothing seems benign or harmless anymore....

  2. What is the keyboarding representation of putting a thousand tears on the screen?

    <3 <3 <3.

  3. Once again, after reading your entry, my heart is full to overflowing. There are simply no words. Peace to you and to your lovely loving family

  4. Sammy lives on in the hearts of the thousands of people who's lives he touched.

  5. I'll live--so much more richly for Sammy's bravery. May all the peace and mercy of Yom Kippur cover you and your family this holy time.

  6. Still reading . . . just wanted you know. Like everything, this brought tears to my eyes.