As the standing balance pose starts in my yoga class, I am reminded of the teaching I once heard about balance. Balance isn't about stillness. It is a constant state of adjustment, a constant need to focus and concentrate, to adjust and readjust, to sway with the breeze. A slip in concentration or anything can cause the balancing act to fall.
I love this teaching, because it reminds me that no one, no matter how self-assured and "perfect" they appear to be, is standing still. We are all constantly adjusting our course, rebalancing ourselves, breathing and focusing. We're never simply standing still.
I'm feeling a lot of that right now. A lot of adjustments, shifts, balance changes. Sometimes I'm completely in focus, the balance seems to work. Sometimes I'm a little off and I have to touch my other foot down to the ground. Sometimes I have to sit down entirely! And then, since life, like yoga, is a practice, I just get up again and set my foot in the ground, take a deep breath, and try again.
So much of this grieving business is also about that self-talk for me. Someone suggested that I might "not be okay" this week. Trust me, I'm probably not. But sometimes I am. It's not exactly definable -- how do I quantify or qualify how I'm doing today? I check myself out with my unofficial council of advisers...am I okay today? Is this right? Is this? How about now?
Yesterday's yoga teacher stressed moving deliberately and slowly. There's a time for moving slowly and a time for moving quickly, she said, and the key is figuring out which time is which. Some things seem to be moving quickly. Life just goes, even if I'm not quite ready for things...that darn calendar. And some things move slowly...and that's okay. Sometimes I want to move more slowly...accomplish one thing at a time. Sometimes I can do more. Each day is a balance.
On the way home from preschool, Solly questioned me: "where is everyone?" I explained to him that Daddy was picking up Yael and that David was at Bubbie and Zeyde's house.
And then I waited for him to ask about Sammy.
But he didn't.
So silently, in my head, I thought about what I would answer.
And Sammy's at the cemetery.
No, I thought, that's not what I would answer.
Sammy is in our heads.
Sammy is in our hearts...Sammy is right here.
|Balancing in 2010