(You may have heard of the Jewish custom of a year of mourning. In truth, this is only for a child mourning a parent. All other relationships leave us with 30 days of mourning before we re-enter the world. Even a child.)
Today was the first day of the rest of my life.
A life without Sammy.
And a life that I have to continue living.
Even though it is so hard.
I'm not done mourning or grieving or missing him.
I will never be done.
But today…I took Solly to the doctor.
A well-child visit that was postponed from his third birthday last month.
I considered asking for a blood test.
A simple CBC to make sure things were "normal" in there.
Shouldn't we check?
But my inner practical self prevailed…and I didn't ask.
When the nurse put the thermometer into his mouth and I heard the beeps…oh, I nearly collapsed.
But I couldn't help but giggle at his expression. No one had ever put a thermometer into his mouth before! The nurse also realized that this was a total failure…Solly didn't quite get the whole under-the-tongue thing, so we switched to under-the-arm. And the moment was over.
And it was okay...
I stopped at Starbucks.
I cried in Trader Joe's. Just a bit.
I made dinner.
I helped with homework.
And I thought about Sammy.
With every action.
With every moment.
With every breath.
And I kept going.
Today, I put one foot in front of the other.
For today, that is enough.
|Classic Sammy stare-down...July 2012
|Of course he's in his pajamas...