Saturday, January 4, 2014


I noticed Sam's iPad sitting on the shelf, so I decided to browse through his photo album. Along with many pictures of frogs and turtles that he's saved from emails and such, there were a few selfies.

I sent them to myself.
From Sam's email address.
Just so I could get an email from him.

Looking at pictures of Sam doesn't make me sad. Well, it doesn't make me any sadder than I already am. Sometimes it makes me a little bit happier, actually…to see his sweet little face.

It makes me happier when I think about the most famous of all Sam's selfies:

And this, which never fails to make me giggle:

Some things are easier than others.
Some things are just…difficult.

The things that seem like they should be simple become so much bigger.

I take a lot of pictures with my phone. I know many people who never take the pictures off their phones, but not me. Each month, I carefully file the pictures in a folder on my computer and I take them off my phone. It's just what I do.

But I haven't done it yet. I haven't taken November's or December's pictures off my phone.
I know that when I delete them, I will not be able to scroll back through the last two months of Sammy's life. The task grows a little in weight with each passing day, it seems. If I would just do it…it would be done. I could find ways to save pictures of Sammy to my phone each month. I can always call up this blog or my dropbox files. But each time I go to do it, something distracts me or I find a reason not to do it…I'll get there...

Twenty-two days have passed since Sam died.
When I said I wasn't counting…I lied.

The last selfie I took with Sammy…in Orlando


  1. I learned of your beautiful boy from a friend of a friend whose son was a friend of Sam. This blog is such a beautiful testament to your family and your love for your child. I know there is nothing anyone can say or do to help with the pain. I just thought it might bring some comfort to know that the love you have for your son and the beauty of his life are apparent to anyone who reads this blog. Sam was clearly a special child - even to someone who never met him. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  2. It is uncanny how much I can relate to every word of this. The phone, the pictures - the joy of seeing his face.

    I love those pictures of Sam, and I love that video!!!! It is amazing, it gave me such a huge smile.


  3. Sending our love to all of you.
    Keep the pictures on your phone, in your hand, in your pocket and in your heart.

  4. Keep your phone pictures. As many as you want. As long as you want. Maybe as long as the phone lasts. It's only you feeling the weight of a task undone. Please yourself. He's your boy and you get to keep him wherever you want.

  5. No harm in keeping the photos. Back them up though in case your phone faults and you lose them from there. Apart from that, keep a selection of Sammy on there. It is nice to be able to see him whenever you need to - right at your fingertips

  6. Your courage is amazing. Thank you for sharing your journey. I so wish you were on another journey. He was such a ham. I love Sam the ham! Thank you for sharing him too.

  7. My heart aches with you. 22 days. An eternity and an eyeblink.

  8. Selfies are not selfish; if it's "what you do," you can also do something else. What's the hurry? I'm saving them, too.

  9. with mourning, there is no set time. keep the pics on your phone and near you for now. I would definitely make a disc of all the pics as a backup as someone commented. thinking of you and your family. thank you for sharing the pics. of sam with us. he is just so sweet!

  10. What a precious boy. I am so sorry

  11. The pictures and video are wonderful. So, so special.

  12. So great to hear his voice fooling around. No wonder you giggle. No wonder you carry these photos and video around and not want to part with them as you go about your everyday life.How special these are, and how special Sam! And how extraordinary you are.

  13. Do keep the pictures on your phone; they're delightful!