Friday, June 29, 2012

Feeling the Guilt of Living

My cousin wanted to get my brother and I out of the house to let some of the weekly stress roll off. He wanted to see a movie. I put my guilt aside, got a baby sitter and did my best to feel ok with taking care of myself.
It didn't help that Sammy had an awful day, was grumpy, losing his hair and made me feel like jumping in a car and rushing to see him just to tell him "being follicle challenged isn't all that bad (yeah right and the hair for men club makes a profit how?)! I just wanted to hold my kid. I didn't really want to go out, but I love going out with my cousin Dan and brother and we probably needed it more than I'd like to admit.
Movie was great. We get home and I find version 1.5 (Solly) sitting gleefully in my babysitter's lap at 10pm with David and Yael awake upstairs complaining that they couldn't sleep. Solly gives us a big smile and yells "Dan!". He totally snowed the babysitter with the "I'm going to cry a lot until you come get me" routine. Worked like a charm.
I pay the babysitter, had Solly kiss everyone goodnight and go put him back to bed. Solly had different plans. He proceeded to scream on an off for two hours. I sat with him, fed him, tried to sleep on the bed in his room, volunteered him for the French Foreign Legion, and called the nearest zoo to see if they needed any monkey washers. I'd had enough. Parenting on top of worrying about my Sammy all day? That was asking way too much.
Eventually I sat with him in my lap in the dark while talking for thirty minutes. I tried my best to clear my mind of all thoughts. Then I scooped him up, put him down, he complained for a bit and finally settled down for the night.
I'm lucky his memory is short. He woke up as fresh as ever calling "abba, abba" in the sweet morning light and all was forgiven (for the most part).


  1. Ah, Michael, my heart is aching for you. Toddlers have an amazing sense of when you are very, very tense and they seem to seek comfort by making you more tense. It's as though they think clinging, whining, and demanding are the way to survival. (I used to think that if they had a real survival instinct, they would learn to run away and play by themselves.)

  2. That's really rough. As wonderful as it is to have the children around, it forces you to be extra strong. You need to take care of yourself to be in tip top shape for the gang. It's good for you to get out and try your best to clear your mind if only for a fleeting moment.

    Sounds like Sam is being taken care of around the clock by loving friends, family and hospital staff.

  3. Sorry it has taken such a "situation" to get to know the husband of the bima ima, as I refer to Phyllis. She's a lucky girl. You're all in my prayers.

  4. Hang in there! The underlying love being expressed in your thoughts makes me smile. As you know all too well, one of the toughest parts of parenting is the fact that it is 24/7. Luckily children love us and we love them unconditionally so we can all be forgiven for our less than ideal parenting moments and they can all be forgiven for their infinite capacity to drain us both physically and emotionally. That being said, keep doing what you are doing and even if it feels futile after the fact continue to take a little bits of time to reboot - it is so important. Hugs and Love to all!!

  5. You need to have a day every so often...don't feel so bad. Sammy had Phyl and love and knows you love him even if you enjoy yourself one night. Solly probably knew you were feeling guilty, and just wanted to comfort daddy. Feel the love, forgive yourself. You are not wrong to go out. ~hugs~